I bet you are often encouraged to “be yourself.” But what does “yourself” mean? What happens if you are not yourself?
What does “yourself” mean?
According to a study by Higgins (1987), there are three domains of the “self”:
1. The actual self: the characteristics that one currently possesses.
2. The ideal self: the characteristics that one deeply desires to possess – personal goals and aspirations.
3. The ought self: the characteristics that one believes they “should possess,” often based on societal expectations – duties and responsibilities.
Depending on the individual and the particular time in their life, these three domains of the “self” can either align or differ significantly.
Example (1): The story of a university student with three non-aligning domains of the “self” could go like this:
- The actual self: A student majoring in X at Y university.
- The ideal self: (They themselves want to become) A potential world traveler, broadening their horizons through traveling to places and meeting people.
- The ought self: (They believe they should become) An outstanding student with a GPA of at least 3.5/4, actively participating in business case competitions.
Example (2): The story of a middle-aged professional with three non-aligning domains of the “self” (career-wise) could go like this:
- The actual self: A department head at company Z.
- The ideal self: (They themselves want to become) A life coach, helping young people build their careers.
- The ought self: (They believe they should become) A model leader, promoted from department head to director, meeting business targets excellently.
How are these three domains related to each other?
When we believe that the actual self doesn’t match the ideal self, we feel sad and disappointed.
When we believe that the actual self doesn’t match the ought self, we feel fearful and guilty.
The thing here is that: fear is a more powerful action trigger for us than sadness. Therefore, people tend to take immediate action to bridge the gap between the actual self and the ought self, while bridging the gap between the actual self and the ideal self is less prioritized.
If you’ve read “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey, you might find that taking action to bridge the gap between the actual self and the ought self is similar to Quadrant I tasks (important and urgent), while bridging the gap between the actual self and the ideal self might often be classified in Quadrant II (important but not urgent).
In other words, we tend to set expectations and responsibilities for ourselves (based on societal standards) and prioritize chasing after them, rather than truly live for ourselves.
In the study mentioned above, many participants succeeded in becoming their ought self in their lifetime. However, most of them shared regrets for not dedicating more time and effort to becoming their ideal self.
Conclusion
The good news for us is that the study was conducted in the 1970s-1980s, which means the regrets mentioned just above happened to our grandparents’ generation.
The question is: Our grandparents’ generation already regretted not daring to live up to their ideal self. So, does our generation want to repeat that regret, or will we do something different?
